You might think that asking someone who has been divorced for advice about how to get a divorce would be a good thing to do. But often it is a very bad idea indeed.
Because it depends how their divorce went. If it was messy, expensive, traumatic – getting their advice is a bit like asking a gun owner to show you how to use a gun – only he’s got a bullet in his leg from when the gun misfired. And he can’t quite understand how it all happened because he was doing everything he should do just right – so it must be the fault of the gun, or the gun manufacturers.
Meanwhile he has a bullet in his leg and he is an ‘expert’ on how to use guns because he (mis)fired one, once.
Just because someone has experienced a divorce, that doesn’t make them an expert on a better way to divorce.
So before a self-proclaimed expert starts giving you divorce advice, remember to ask them a few questions first.
Questions like: “Did you do any research? Oh, ok, you just went to a lawyer. That was it?”
Questions like: “How is your co-parenting relationship these days? Ah, not so good? Haven’t seen the kids for months because she is still angry about the divorce settlement and that flash barrister you used? That must be depressing.”
Questions like: “Did you get any expert financial advice? No? And you’ve worked out that the divorce settlement you made wasn’t one you could actually sustain? That’s awkward. Back to court again then?”
What I suggest, is that you don’t mistake bad experiences for ‘knowledge’ – ask the right questions before you decide who to listen to.
You don’t want to shoot yourself in the leg.
Access free divorce resources at http://bestwaytodivorce.co.uk
Listen to Anchor audio from Best Way To Divorce: Suzy Miller Divorce Strategist as seen on BBC Breakfast TV, Womans Hour, Times, Telegraph, Daily Mail etc
“On Sunday 23rd July, Martina was joined by special guest Suzy Miller, a Divorce Strategist who specialises in guiding UK families towards amicable ways to divorce. We discussed the subject of the divorce procedure and the brand new DIY/self-managed divorce resource, which gives red alerts to how what seemed simple to start with can easily turn unpleasant.
A highly informative and educational show recommended for anyone either thinking of getting or who are going through a divorce.”
I need your help – I am creating a private group that will provide divorcing or separating people with:
- Q & A – answers to specific questions from the group members will be recorded and shared on video/audio within the group
- Video, audio and article Interviews with experts in legal, finance and wellbeing will be shared with the group on the subject of divorce/separation
- Access for free resources including the following benefits:
- Divorce First Aid Kit
- CoParenting in a Box Video Pack (value £48)
- Online Divorce In A Box (value £65)
- Divorce Travel Guide (value £48)
- Divorce Organiser (value £18)
- Access to £100s of expert 1-1 advice
But I need to give it a good name.
Can you help?
Feel free to add your own ideas as well – but don’t click on more than 3 choices (including any of your own)
Choose the name for my facebook ‘how to divorce’ group
Many thanks in advance!
Many believe that travelling together can make or break a relationship. Travelling with a partner can indeed reveal a lot, not only about the relationship, but also about the parties involved. If you’re trying to build a stronger relationship, however, planning a trip together and going on an adventure may just be what you need.
When the primary goal is to strengthen your relationship, an adventurous road trip to somewhere new is definitely the kind of trip to take. Here are some tips to help you plan the perfect road trip together.
Go Far and Explore
A road trip is traditionally done from home to a relatively reachable destination; it doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re serious about going on an adventure, going on a road trip to somewhere far will add that extra challenge you need to make the trip more memorable. You can, for instance, do a 1,000-mile trip all the way to Edinburgh and spend an entire week exploring different cities together.
Make sure you go into detail when planning the destination and the routes you’ll be taking along the way. While it is a good idea to keep parts of the trip spontaneous, knowing the routes and the cities you’ll be visiting can help make the trip more enjoyable.
Make Sure You (and Your Car) Are Ready
A road trip can be pretty daunting, but it is not a difficult thing to do at all. Of course, you’ll need a valid driving license and a car that’s ready for the journey to begin with. It is even better when the two of you have valid driving licences, since this allows you to take turns and drive different parts of the trip. Practice for that driving theory test and get your license issued before the trip.
Preparing the car is also an easy thing to do. A good tune-up and some basic checks before departing are all you need to make sure car troubles won’t hamper your trip. You can also remove a lot of the commonly-frustrating elements of taking an extended road trip when you drive a car that is in a good shape.
Prepare for Emergencies
Lastly, make sure you have contingencies in place. A lot of things could go wrong during an extended road trip and it is best to know how to deal with the situation when they do go wrong before you set off. Most of the issues you might face along the way, however, are issues you can anticipate in advance.
For example, you may not be able to reach the stops you plan along the way. Install hotel booking apps and update Google Maps or Apple Maps so you can quickly find a place to stay when you have to. Bring a lot of bottled water, an extra spare tyre and extra blankets too.
With careful planning, the two of you will feel so much closer at the end of a road trip. You might face some problems along the way, but you’ll also have a fantastic experience that will undoubtedly strengthen your relationship.
Some say that having to lay blame at someone’s door for the end of a marriage is a reasonable thing to have to do before the first 2 years of separation are ended.
But what are the reasons why this view may be misguided?
Resolution – the Family Law Association – are campaigning for No-Fault Divorce, and I for one am also supporting that campaign, for the reasons I describe in the BBC Radio interview you can listen to below:
(Suzy Miller: Alternative Divorce Guide on BBC Radio Sussex)
I spoke to a gentleman the other day who is experiencing the early stages of divorce. Not only is he feeling traumatised by the whole experience, but the accusations of blame by his spouse via her solicitor – in order to provide ‘grounds for the divorce’ – have added not only more emotional pain, but also anger, neither of which helps encourage an amicable divorce process. Whatever reasons his spouse creates (out of her own emotional state of anger and pain) to ‘blame’ her husband for the divorce enshrined in the divorce petition, have no practical bearing on the need to produce a financial agreement and child access arrangements, other than to make that whole process even more fraught and laden with acrimony than it already is.
On every level, the idea of ‘fault’ is harmful and pointless. The concept, sometimes muted – that taking away the blame makes divorce ‘too easy’ – indicates only that the person saying those words has absolutely no idea just how difficult divorce is on every level, with or without blame. It is misguided thinking, in my opinion.
Anyone focused on supporting parents through divorce, where the level of conflict has a direct impact on the children involved, knows only too well that what couples need is support, not more excuses to be reminded of why they don’t want to be together anymore.
January is International Child-Centered Divorce Month. The entire month is dedicated to helping parents minimize the negative effects of divorce on children – by giving them the tools and resources they need to support their kids during and long after a divorce.
Throughout January divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches, parenting experts and other professionals around the world will be providing complimentary gifts offering advice and insights to help parents best cope with divorce and parenting issues. None of those resources actively encourage ‘blame’ – so why is it enshrined in our legal system, if it has no benefit to anyone, and harms families?
Resolution believes that the law urgently needs to change to allow people to break up with dignity without a two year wait. Currently a divorce can only be sought within two years of the formal separation by one partner stating the details either of their partner’s adultery or their unreasonable behaviour in order to proceed with the divorce, making an already difficult and distressing process even harder.
Why not just wait two years before divorcing?
Ok, so you just try moving your life forwards when you are financially and legally tied to another person you don’t want to live with anymore. It’s ridiculous to expect people to have to struggle with that situation for no common-sense reason. It’s crazy.
As International Parenting Expert Rosalind Sedacca so rightly says: “The more aware parents are, the more quickly they can address challenges that come along regarding their children’s behaviour, getting along with their co-parent, adapting to single life and transitioning into a brighter future. We remind parents they are not alone and encourage them to reach out for help, support and useful resources to minimize stress and maximize success.”
So let’s focus on support and empowerment of parents – not inadvertently pushing them into a combative mindset.
For more information about International Child-Centered Divorce Month plus access to all the free gifts and special events taking place in January visit: Divorced Parent Support.