He’s drunk again
Bit wobbly. Eyes not quite focused
On this plane of existence.
He’s somewhere else
Legs dancing incoherently
Tiny steps – Balance?
Or another rhythm from
That other place?
Warm embrace of alcohol
“I’m a nice guy. I mean no harm.”
Arms flap trying to rebalance
For a moment – present in the here and now
Then gone again
like an Innocent
At the young woman.
Bathing in her beauty
With no harmful intentions.
A bit wobbly.
Eyes not quite focused
On this plane of existence.
She shrinks under his stare.
She moves off and leaves him
Betwixt two planes:
And abject lonelines.
I’ve just read an excellent, brilliant expose of the very poor reporting and bias of some reporters when reporting on Divorce cases. Over the years, I’ve explained to several journalists who specialise in covering divorce, what a Collaborative Lawyer is, how mediation works and why financial planners are more useful than lawyers in helping couples with assets to work out an initial plan of action.
I have had endless requests – almost annually – of “Divorce Parties are the new thing – do you know anyone who is having one?”. After explaining that I have been receiving the same requests for several years, so divorce parties are in fact, not ‘news’, I suggest that they might instead want to focus on the rise in children self-harming due to their parents nasty divorce, or the increase (at least double I believe) in suicide rates for men after divorce. At which point they usually splutter something about ‘oh yes it’s so much better if it’s all done in a friendly way’ and the conversation grinds to a halt.
I was almost on an ITV facebook live Q&A tonight – and my blog post was to be shared giving real-life guidance on how to keep a divorce nicer than it might otherwise be – but the ITV lawyers decided they wanted a ‘Psych’ instead. Sadly, a ‘Psych’ (Psychotherapist I presume) is unlikely to be sharing information about the value of getting financial advice from experts, or the power of coaching if you want to break out of the ‘victim’ mentality, or even have much clarity on how mediation works and that collaborative law and family arbitration even exist.
So the fundamental info (from the trailers of the divorce documentary I’ve seen on the facebook page so far) is that you can go to a Divorce Hotel and get divorced in a weekend, and that the national Q&A will be hosted by a lawyer (luckily, a Collaboratively-trained one, but still someone who participates in a current toxic family law system when they are not doing collab cases) and a therapist who is trained to help you deal with your emotions. Other collaborators are expelled by the media lawyers fears over god knows what happening – even though the researchers tried to push for something different.
In the context of the excellent article above – it’s a bit ironic?
You might think that asking someone who has been divorced for advice about how to get a divorce would be a good thing to do. But often it is a very bad idea indeed.
Because it depends how their divorce went. If it was messy, expensive, traumatic – getting their advice is a bit like asking a gun owner to show you how to use a gun – only he’s got a bullet in his leg from when the gun misfired. And he can’t quite understand how it all happened because he was doing everything he should do just right – so it must be the fault of the gun, or the gun manufacturers.
Meanwhile he has a bullet in his leg and he is an ‘expert’ on how to use guns because he (mis)fired one, once.
Just because someone has experienced a divorce, that doesn’t make them an expert on a better way to divorce.
So before a self-proclaimed expert starts giving you divorce advice, remember to ask them a few questions first.
Questions like: “Did you do any research? Oh, ok, you just went to a lawyer. That was it?”
Questions like: “How is your co-parenting relationship these days? Ah, not so good? Haven’t seen the kids for months because she is still angry about the divorce settlement and that flash barrister you used? That must be depressing.”
Questions like: “Did you get any expert financial advice? No? And you’ve worked out that the divorce settlement you made wasn’t one you could actually sustain? That’s awkward. Back to court again then?”
What I suggest, is that you don’t mistake bad experiences for ‘knowledge’ – ask the right questions before you decide who to listen to.
You don’t want to shoot yourself in the leg.
Access free divorce resources at http://bestwaytodivorce.co.uk
Listen to Anchor audio from Best Way To Divorce: Suzy Miller Divorce Strategist as seen on BBC Breakfast TV, Womans Hour, Times, Telegraph, Daily Mail etc