Divorce is like a Hurricaine

Divorce is like a Hurricaine

Divorce is like a Hurricaine

by by Suzy Miller

Divorce is Like a Hurricane

“Divorce is like a hurricane” the doctor says

To my Mother who instinctively puts hands upon her swollen belly

As if that will protect me from the storm that is to come.

Who will protect me?

Encased within her womb I am not immune to the storm.  

Adrenaline pumps each time the arguments begin.  

Cortisol surges with each new legal battle, sustained flight and fight response contributing to my Mother’s now heightened risk of heart disease, lower immunity, allergies.

Depression.

I feel another cortisol-blast from my host’s stress as surging guilt stabs like flying broken glass: 

“Will these anti-depressants harm the baby, doctor?”

Whilst the outer world battles the ravages of fear of financial and emotional armageddon, 

Snuggled in her womb, every biochemical and hormonal rush is transmitted Down the umbilical super highway 

With unerring precision.  

I am spared nothing.  

And we are still only in the eye of the storm.

For then comes the miracle of my birth. 

I arrive into a home where relationship disfunction is matched only by the dysfunction of the family law system 

And the chaos of my parent’s divorce 

Now manifesting as fear of poverty that makes my prospects educationally bleak;

A father I don’t yet know is absent and he tries to provide financially but at work

He’s just not the same. Productivity dips.

Debts to the divorce lawyers, how will he pay?

Mother disconnected, self-medicating to cope, 

Here am I approaching my 1001 days from conception, 

Pre-configured for a life on the edge, with a body hard-wired for action, 

Ready for fight or flight, and 

There is no off-switch for what has now become my ‘norm’.  

And I’m not yet 2 years old.

“Doctor, do you think my daughter has ADHD?” 

“Doctor, do I really need to medicate her?”

“Doctor, why can’t I come off the drugs you gave me for depression without feeling suicidal? Is this it forever?”

In the wake of the storm, I have become one more statistic.

My parents allowed the divorce hurricane to destroy the landscape of our lives, by taking shelter in the wrong places, 

By allowing their all too human fears for self preservation to overcome their intuition, 

Which must have told them in a small quiet voice that the journey they chose 

Over rough legal ground and traversing mountains of bitter recrimination, 

that I would make that same journey with them. 

But the effects would be increased, because I am small. 

An innocent. 

Go back to the doctor, my Mother, who gave you medication you still can’t get off to numb the emotional pain, and yet the pain is still there. 

Go back to your insensitive employers, my Father, who let you go because of  poor attendance, as visiting me was not seen as a valid reason for flexible working. 

Go back to the lawyers and the judges and the family court system and tell them how 

I have a significantly higher risk of: health problems, 

Of drug addiction, 

Of going to prison, 

Of mental illness.

Because of how my parents failed to cope with the hurricane.

Why did the doctor not know that numbing the pain of divorce does little to help empower action to make more courageous and less adversarial choices?

Why did the therapist not tell my mother that every attacking thought and angry word spoken or received, is pumped into the child she carries, raw and unfiltered?

Why did the lawyer not tell my mother that in a hurricane, you need to look for somewhere solid to take cover, and connect with experts who encourage waging peace instead of war?

Why did no-one show her that there is a better way to stay out of the path of the hurricane, to rebuild a life where both of my parents can thrive – not as a broken family, but as an extended family?

Divorce is like a hurricane.  But for some it doesn’t pass, just relentlessly rips at the fabric of human family life.  

Pumped with adrenalin and cortisol and sustained stress since my conception, 

Fed direct via the umbilical cord and then the very atmosphere I breathe for the more recent of my 1001 days;

My ability to sit still, to listen, to feel at peace – unable to naturally develop. 

The hurricane… has become me.

 

Suzy Miller
Divorce Strategist
Divorce Radio Show: Best Way To Split Retreat, Domestic Abuse, Crystal Healing & Divorce Admin

Divorce Radio Show: Best Way To Split Retreat, Domestic Abuse, Crystal Healing & Divorce Admin

Divorce TV is being born as we speak. Here are some experts who will be at The Best Way To Split Retreat talking about divorce-related issues that may make sense to quite a few of you who are dealing with family separation:

 

See the Divorce TV version here: https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/divorce-tv-best-way-to-split-retreat-expert-panel/

Alternative Divorce Radio Show Episode 1

Alternative Divorce Radio Show Episode 1

Sometimes challenging, sometimes inspiring. Always authentic. A radio show for real people experiencing divorce and family breakup.

Episode 1 of the Alternative Divorce Radio Show

As the Alternative Divorce Guide, I wanted to create a radio show with music, authentic interviews with real people who are dealing with family breakup, as well as a wide range of experts and professionals sharing information and advice.Nearly everyone knows someone who has direct experience of divorce and family breakup.  I want to ‘de-mystify’ divorce and also make it less of a taboo subject.  We all need to know how to help each other during difficult times, and we all need to understand why giving a friend the phone number of an adversarial divorce lawyer, is really not helping them at all…..

rss Subscribe to our podcasts here….

If you have questions you would like me to put to our “Alternative Divorce Relationship DJ” then feel free to share them with me on twitter: @sosDivorce

As Andrew says in the podcast, we need to avoid getting sucked into an adversarial divorce, and one way to do that is to head away from adversarial lawyers, and towards getting advice from a wider range of experts in the fields of wellbeing, coaching and finance.

And this is not just a UK issue – the same is true for anyone going through family breakup in the United States.

 

Features presenters:

Alternative Divorce Guide: Suzy Miller www.alternativedivorceguide.com 

Relationship DJ: The Barefoot Barrister www.thebarefootbarrister.com

Guests included:

Marina Pearson of Divorce Shift 

Simon Carey-Morgan: Acupuncture & Body Work 01342 811612

simoncareymorgan@hotmail.com 

And the wonderful, authentic Sarah….

Hear episode 2 here…..

Alternative Divorce Radio Show Episode 2

Alternative Divorce Radio Show Episode 2

Sometimes challenging, sometimes inspiring. Always authentic. A radio show for real people experiencing divorce and family breakup.

 

In Episode 2 of the Alternative Divorce
Radio Show, we hear from:

  • Psychotherapist Caron Barruw who talks about the trauma of the divorce process itself, and what happens when children get caught up in that process.
  • The Divorce Cards readings to help shift your perspective
  • The Relationship DJ answers the request: “I read that even Swans get divorced….”
  • Kathryn who relates how she fell into a relationship far too soon after divorce, which became abusive, and how she escaped from that situation – and what she learned from it

rss Subscribe to our podcasts here….

As you will hear from our interviews, domestic abuse is not always obvious to the person being abused – sounds crazy, I know, but in my role as the Alternative Divorce Guide I have come across this often.

What I love about Kathryn’s interview is her ability to see beyond being a victim.  The way she has moved forwards from her situation is truly inspiring.

The interveiws with Psychotherapist Caron Barruw provide a real insight into the children’s perspective on adversarial divorce, and also the wider effects on work life and the cost to employers.

Key Resources:

 

Are you experiencing domestic violence?
Do you know of someone who is experiencing abuse and may need help and support?

 

The Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge, is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence, their family, friends, colleagues and others calling on their behalf.

The Helpline can give support, help and information over the telephone, wherever the caller might be in the country. The Helpline is staffed 24 hours a day by fully trained female helpline support workers and volunteers. All calls are completely confidential. Translation facilities for callers whose first language is not English, and a service for callers who are deaf or hard of hearing are available.

Refuge & Women’s Aid: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

In the US: Domestic violence resource page which provides legal guidance to victims – http://www.injuryclaimcoach.com/domestic-violence-help.html

 

Episode Two features presenters: 

Alternative Divorce Guide: Suzy Miller www.alternativedivorceguide.com 
Relationship DJ: The Barefoot Barrister www.thebarefootbarrister.com

Guests included:

Psychotherapist Caron Barruw: http://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/listings/caron-barruw-msclcswusa/  Caron works internationally via skype and phone.

Hear other episodes of the Alternative Divorce Radio Show at www.AlternativeDivorceRadio.com

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